


On the Pull

by LordValeryMimes



Series: An Officer and a Technician [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Blow Jobs, Elevator Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Hand Jobs, Height Differences, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 05:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6106021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister's just looking for someone to distract him after his breakup with Kochanski. What he gets, is much more than just a distraction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the Pull

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe it took me this long to write my own Todster fic after my part in instigating this whole thing.
> 
> Thanks to [Janamelie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie), not just for being my beta, but for all the chat sessions that urged me into writing this, and all her marvelous little suggestions and contributions. :-) 
> 
> Also loads of thanks to [Felineranger](http://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger), and [RoseCathy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseCathy/pseuds/RoseCathy) whose own Todster fics were also a huge inspiration.
> 
> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for inventing these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg.

Lister sighed as his eyes tracked sadly over the contents of his storage locker. T-shirts, t-shirts, and more t-shirts. He groaned, as he remembered his closet of clothes back on Earth. Although Lister had never been swimming in money, he’d still managed to amass a wardrobe that he’d been proud of. He thought wistfully of the secondhand leather jacket and trousers he’d worked a whole summer to be able to afford. As he reached for his cleanest London Jets t-shirt, he pondered on the fate of that jacket. Maybe Emily Berkenstein was wearing it somewhere down in London, puttering along on a stolen motorbike, searching for her crimplene hat. The thought made him smile, but it did little to ease his distress at having nothing better to wear out to the disco.

Three weeks had elapsed since Lister had been dumped by his girlfriend, Kristine Kochanski. Over that time, he’d gradually segued from abject misery, to righteous indignation. As he pulled the t-shirt over his head, he raised his voice in a mocking sing-song tone. “I wish there were two of me so I could love you both… You’re really such a nice guy... I hope we can still be friends...” He scoffed in disgust as he stepped into his tightest pair of black trousers. “I’ve got plenty of friends. I don’t need any more friends. And I certainly don’t need a girlfriend who treats her boyfriends like smeg.” He zipped up and admired his reflection in the mirror. His normal self-consciousness about his figure had been dried up by the volcanic fury of the recently spurned. “There’s over a thousand people on this ship. Who needs Kristine Kochanski?” He grabbed his black jacket and headed to the lifts.

Four cans of Leopard lager later, Lister was just beginning to feel the raging confidence of the mildly intoxicated as he leaned over the bar and ordered another. He popped open the top of the can and rested his elbows on the polished wood. The dance music blasting from the DJ booth thrummed its way into his forearms as he bobbed his head in time to the beat and let his eyes scan over the crowd of familiar and unfamiliar faces

He watched as the sea of bodies undulated in a chaotic rhythm like television static. Every now and then, he would catch a glimpse of a face that he recognized. There was the cute little blonde from the medi-lab, whom he’d always fancied. There was the tall redhead from catering with those killer dimples, even though Petersen would claim that he had called dibs on her. Lister wasn’t normally one for casual hookups, but tonight he needed a distraction, something to scour the memory of Kochanski from his head. If he was being really honest with himself, all he wanted was for someone who was nothing like Kochanski, to shag his brains out and make him forget about her. Even if it was just for one night.

Through the blackness and flashing lights a figure sitting at the bar caught his eye. It was a man: tall and athletic, with a head of dark wavy hair. He was wearing a flattering pair of fitted jeans, and a smart button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled back. One of the blue disco lights crawled its way across the figure’s face, and Lister let out a quiet exclamation of surprise when he recognized that it was Todhunter, Red Dwarf’s second in command. Lister had been to the disco on dozens of occasions, but he’d never seen the high ranking officer there before, and he’d never seen him in civilian clothes. Lister drained half of his can in one gulp as a vivid memory suddenly burst to the forefront of his brain.

“He’s got it bad for you he does!”

“You’re a complete and utter nutter, Chen.”

“Just ask Petersen! He heard it straight from Petrovich! He said old Todhunter can’t sleep at night for thinking about how bad he wants to give you the old reach-around.”

“I don’t believe a word of none of this. You’re all taking the smeg.”

“It’s true, Dave! Todhunter says that you’re a delicious chocolate truffle that he wants to unwrap and slide between his lips!”

“There is _no_ way that Todhunter said anything like that. Besides, he’s married.”

“He doesn’t care! Tod wants to give you the rod!”

“He wants to sneak you back to his quarters and make you his sinful mistress!”

“You guys are insane.”

That had been months ago, long before the thing with Kochanski, and he’d assumed that his mates had just been messing with him. Now, with the comfortable fog of lager bolstering his courage, he started to wonder. As he stared, Todhunter turned and gave him a gentle smile. Lister found himself automatically flashing his best, “You want me? Why don’t you come and get me?” look in return. Todhunter’s eyes widened, and he quickly turned and took a heavy pull on a bottle of lager.

“Interesting.” Lister thought to himself, as he rubbed at his chin. He’d never bothered to even consider that his mates might have been telling the truth and not taking the mick when they were crowing about Todhunter. The officer had always been nice to him, something Lister found surprising, considering he was the lowest ranking member of the crew. Some of the nastier officers treated Lister with open disdain, while the rest mostly chose to quietly ignore him. He polished off the rest of his can, and sidled over to Todhunter, in what he believed was a very sexy way. He leaned his elbow on the bar and rested his head on his fist. “Hey, Todhunter. What’s a fellow like you doing in a place like this?”

As Todhunter turned towards Lister he could have sworn that the officer stammered ever so slightly as he replied. “Evening, Lister. Just having a drink.”

Lister squinted at the bottle in Todhunter’s hand. “Hyperoni? Classy.”

“Well one has to do what one can to maintain a civil existence while in space.” He flashed Lister a smile. The third technician let his gaze rove over Todhunter’s face: the chiseled jaw, the sparkling blue eyes, the slight hint of cheekiness that came across in the lopsided grin.

“I’ve never seen you in the disco before. Are you doing some sort of social experiment, maybe? Observing the local rabble in their natural habitat? That sort of thing?”

Todhunter reached up and smoothed his hair behind his ear as he laughed. “No, it’s Saturday, I usually do all my studies of social customs and mating rituals on Fridays.”

Lister chuckled as he slid himself closer to his superior. “How come you’re not at the officer’s club?”

“Sometimes it’s just nice to have a change of scenery. I find it much easier to relax here. One can’t exactly cut loose at the officer’s club.” Todhunter took a long swallow of his beer, and set the empty bottle down.

“I know exactly what you mean. I mean the change of scenery bit anyway, not the officer’s club. The only way I’d ever get in there is if they had a faulty champagne dispenser.” Todhunter laughed and Lister leaned in closer, putting his hand on the back of the officer’s chair. “Can I buy you another?”

Todhunter’s mouth fell open in surprise at the offer. He recovered quickly, closing his mouth and straightening his back as he turned in his seat, angling his body towards Lister. “You want to buy me a drink?”

Lister shrugged nonchalantly, “Why not?” He leaned in closer to Todhunter, and breathed in his classy aftershave. “It’s Saturday, and what’s a couple of drinks between a first officer and a third technician?”

The officer looked up at Lister, his head cocked and his smile crooked. “All right, but the next round is on me.”

“All right then,” Lister gestured to the bartender. “One more for me, and one more for Todhunter here.”

“We’re off-duty, Lister. Please, call me Frank.”

“Ok, Frank. Well if you get to be Frank tonight, then please call me Dave.”

“All right then, Dave.”

Lister smiled, he liked the way his name sounded coming from Todhunter’s lips. Lips that were shiny and red from sucking on that bottle of lager. He wondered how they would look sucking on something else. Lister started at the sudden dirty imagery that flooded into his mind as he looked at Todhunter. He studied the officer as they waited for their drinks. The way his broad shoulders filled out his shirt. How he held himself, so tall and commanding. He had the looks and charisma of a classic film star, and Lister couldn’t deny that he found the officer incredibly attractive. Maybe Todhunter was what he needed tonight. Stubbled cheeks rubbing against his thighs, and a pair of strong long-fingered hands. Hands that would instinctively know the right way to handle a hard cock. Lister squirmed as he licked his lips.

The bartender passed them their drinks, and Lister tipped his can towards Todhunter. “To cutting loose and relaxing.”

“Indeed.” Todhunter tipped his head towards Lister as they knocked their bottle and can together in a toast and drank. “So,” Todhunter asked as he set his bottle back down on the bar. “What brings you here tonight, Dave?”

“Tonight?” Lister bent in close to Todhunter and gazed into his blue eyes. “Just looking to have some fun.”

“Mmmm…” Todhunter grabbed onto his beer, as he cleared his throat. “I erm… I heard about you and Kochanski. I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out.”

Lister’s brow dipped in a frown as he set down his drink, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “It’s all right. Life goes on, more fish in the sea, all that smeg.” Lister’s face glowed orange in the dim disco light, as he lit up. “I’m over it.”

“Really?” Todhunter looked at him quizzically as he began to rummage in the pocket of his jeans. “I thought the two of you seemed to be getting on quite well.” He pulled out a pack of Magnums, and a lighter.

“You smoke, Frank?”

Todhunter winked as he lit his cigarette, “Only when I’m not on duty.”

Lister shook his head, “You’re just full of surprises aren’t you.” He took a long drag and blew a cloud of smoke over their heads. “The thing about Kochanski... I thought she really liked me, but I never really meant anything to her. She was just on the rebound. Her heart was never really in it. She’s got her fancy bloke in catering back now. It’s fine.”

“Well, for what it's worth, I always thought you were too good for her anyway.” Todhunter reached up a hand and clapped Lister firmly on the shoulder.

Lister scoffed as he tried not to focus on how big and strong Todhunter’s hand was as it kneaded his shoulder. “Me? Too good for a navigation officer? One of the best looking birds on this ship? Someone who was learning Japanese for smeg’s sake? You must have me mixed up with someone else.”

“Not at all. You sell yourself too short. I think you’re quite extraordinary actually.” Todhunter looked sheepish as he removed his hand from Lister’s shoulder and puffed away at his cigarette.

“Extraordinary? Come off it.”

“I’m serious, Dave. Do you know that in the twelve years that Rimmer’s been on board this ship, that he’s gone through no less than seventy-two different bunkmates? The fact that you’ve been able to tolerate Rimmer for as long as you have alone should make you eligible for sainthood.” They shared a laugh and Lister took the opportunity to give the officer a playful nudge and press their shoulders together.

“C’mon. Rimmer’s not that bad. And it’s sort of fun to see how many different ways I can get under his skin.”

“It’s not just that though. Do you know I’ve never heard anyone, apart from Rimmer ever have anything bad to say about you? You’re an incredibly likable chap.”

Lister smirked as he decided to stop beating around the bush, and get right to the point. “And I’m not too hard on the eyes either, am I?” The officer stammered as he fidgeted with his cigarette, flicking nonexistent ash into the bar’s ashtray.

“That hadn’t escaped my notice, no.” Todhunter cleared his throat and took a long pull of his cigarette as he tried to look anywhere but at Lister.

“You’re not so bad on the eyes yourself.” Lister smiled as he sucked on his cigarette, hoping the symbolism of the gesture was not lost on the officer.

Todhunter watched Lister’s lips closely as he shifted in his seat, and took another nervous puff of his cigarette. “Are you flirting with me, Dave Lister?”

“Yes I am.” Todhunter balked as he looked back at Lister. The technician exhaled a cloud of smoke slowly, and leaned in close enough that his lips grazed the officer’s ear. “Want to dance, Frank?”

Todhunter stammered as he scratched nervously at his neck. “Dave, I…” he paused and took a drag on his cigarette. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. After all, I am your superior. People might… talk.”

“So? Let them talk. And everyone on this whole smegging ship is my superior. Look, I like you. And it’s not like I’m doing this because I’m schmoozing for a promotion or anything like that.”

“Then why _are_ you doing this?”

“Honestly?” He took a long pull of his cigarette and looked into Todhunter’s eyes. “Because right now, I’m getting hard just thinking about all the things I’d like to do to you.”

Todhunter’s cigarette fell from his fingers and into his lap as he stared open-mouthed at Lister. “Damn!” He cursed as he leapt from his seat and shook the smoldering end onto the floor.

“C’mon,” Lister grabbed Todhunter’s hand and pulled him through the crowded dance floor.

“Look, Dave.” Todhunter had to yell to be heard over the din of music and dancing as Lister squeezed them to a spot in the middle of the floor. “Are you sure…” his protestations were cut short as Lister stood on tiptoe, grabbed the front of his shirt and dragged him down into a kiss. Todhunter moaned into Lister’s mouth as the third technician’s tongue swirled around his. They pressed together, the bass of the dance music rumbling in their chests as Lister pulled away and laughed.

“I’d forgotten how smegging tall you are.” He grabbed the front of Todhunter’s shirt and kissed him again. “I like it,” he murmured into Todhunter’s lips.

Todhunter moaned agreeably as he clutched Lister to him before pulling away for a few moments, “Dave, oh god…” He groaned as Lister began to nibble and suck on his neck. “Do you think we could maybe… Oh smeg… Go somewhere a bit more… Oh… Oh yes… More private?” Todhunter’s eyes alternated between being closed in ecstasy, and flitting nervously around at the other dancers.

“Why?” Lister slid a hand down Todhunter’s chest and stomach as he continued to kiss him hungrily. “I could have you right here. Right now.” His fingers settled on a hot, hard bulge and Todhunter gasped as Lister squeezed it gently.

“Oh god, Dave. What are you doing to me?”

“Just cutting back and relaxing.”

“My god.” Todhunter placed his hand over Lister’s and removed it from his crotch, reluctantly. “Believe me, there’s nothing I want more, but I have to have a little bit of discretion here.” He whined as Lister pulled him into another kiss and began fondling his buttocks. “You’re going to be the death of me if this keeps up,” Todhunter gasped as he pulled away. “I find it very hard to control myself around you.”

“Mmm… That’s not the only thing that’s hard.” Lister grabbed his backside and ground their erections together. “But fine. Let’s go back to your place then.”

“Oh, thank god.” Todhunter let out a sigh of relief as Lister grabbed his hand and began threading them through the crowd to the exit.

A few minutes later, Todhunter was pressed flat against the doors of the lift, blindly fumbling for the buttons while simultaneously groping Lister. They were fortunate that it was still the high point of the night, when people were still in the throes of their evening festivities. The corridors were clear. After several seconds of snogging, Todhunter’s searching fingers finally mashed down the button then gratefully returned to their explorations of Lister. After a few minutes soundtracked with a mix of moans and clothes being ruffled, the lift arrived with a “ding”. Before the doors even had a chance to open completely, Lister was already shoving Todhunter through them into the blessedly empty lift.

“A-Deck, please.” Todhunter managed to gasp out before Lister pinned him against the opposite wall. The doors closed behind them, and Lister stood on tiptoe and snaked a hand behind Todhunter’s head, burying his fingers in the dark waves.

“I want you so bad, Frank.” Lister growled as he sank to his knees, his hands fondling every bit of Todhunter that he could on the way down.

“Oh god, Dave. Oh god,” Todhunter shivered as Lister began to make quick work of his belt and zipper. “What are you doing? Oh smegging god. Shouldn’t we…” The officer groaned as Lister shushed him, and he felt the rush of the technician's warm breath against his cock. Warm breath was followed by a pair of even warmer lips slipping down until he was fully enveloped in hot slippery heat. “Oh smegging, damning, smegging hell, Dave. Oh god!”

Lister moaned as a rush of heat pulsed through his already aching cock. He wrapped his hands around Todhunter’s backside, pulling him close as he sucked him. He felt Todhunter’s strong fingers threading through his hair as he urged him on, and he couldn’t remember being more turned on in his life. He pulled back to give a teasing lick of his tongue, and glanced up to see the officer watching him with an enraptured look on his face.

“Arriving at A-Deck,” a robotic voice echoed through the lift.

“Quick, quick…” Todhunter whispered as he gently pushed Lister away from his crotch. The technician harrumphed disappointedly, standing and wiping his mouth as Todhunter winced and zipped up his jeans.

As the doors slid open, Lister grabbed his hand and pulled him into the corridor. He asked in a husky voice, “Which one’s yours?”

“Over there,” Todhunter gestured as he followed Lister and fidgeted uncomfortably with the front of his jeans. Lister dragged him down the corridor, and Todhunter muttered, “Unlock.” Wasting no time, the two men disappeared through the entryway.

Todhunter only had time to yell out an impatient, “Lock,” before Lister had him pinned against the back of the door. The moans of the two men began to blend together as they kissed, their mutual erections rubbing together deliciously underneath their clothes. “Oh god,” Todhunter gasped as he pulled away to catch his breath. “I would swear I was dreaming.” He licked his lips and threw his head back as Lister slid his hands up and under his shirt and nibbled at his neck. “God I’ve wanted you for so long, Dave. I never imagined that...” Lister pulled Todhunter down by his shirt and silenced him with a kiss.

“Less talking, and more of this instead,” he reached down to the front of Todhunter’s jeans and caressed his straining hard-on. Todhunter nodded, his mouth gaping as Lister palmed him. “And I want you out of these,” Lister grunted as he hurriedly undid the buttons on Todhunter’s shirt, kissing and licking as each bit of smooth bare skin became available. Todhunter shrugged his shirt from his shoulders as Lister struggled to pull the officer’s jeans down his footballer’s thighs. “Stupid smegging things, why are they always so hard to get off?”

“Some people like that quality in a lover,” Todhunter deadpanned as Lister gave his jeans a mighty tug, pulling them down around his ankles.

“Smart arse,” Lister smirked as he pulled down Todhunter’s pants. The officer’s erection, still slick with Lister’s saliva, practically leapt from his y-fronts. Lister swallowed it eagerly, marveling at how the impossibly soft skin glided over the rock-hard firmness.

“Oh god, Dave. Oh… Oh god!” Todhunter braced one hand against the door, and anchored the other at the back of Lister’s neck as he thrust his hips in a gentle rhythm. Lister bobbed his head blissfully and slipped his hands around the officer’s firm backside. He groaned as his own erection cried out for some attention. Todhunter’s muscular thighs began to quiver as Lister sucked him relentlessly. “Oh god Dave, I’m… Oh god...”

“Oh no, not yet you don’t.” Lister let the officer’s prick slide from his lips and Todhunter groaned. The technician stood, slipped off his jacket and unzipped his trousers, shifting them low on his hips. He sighed as he pulled his hard cock from his boxers and gripped it firmly. Todhunter’s eyes bulged as he got his first look at Lister’s incredible prick. “My god, Dave. So the rumors were true.”

“Rumors? What rumors?”

“That you’re hung like a sausage factory.” Todhunter grinned like a schoolboy as he kicked off his shoes and jeans.

Lister laughed as he reached a hand to the back of Todhunter’s neck. “Why don’t you give it a closer look then, see for yourself?” He kissed the officer and then pushed him down, gently urging him to his knees. Todhunter wrapped his arms around Lister’s thighs and swallowed him whole. Lister swayed on his feet as he felt Todhunter’s lips and tongue wrapping him in bliss. He looked down in wonder at the ship’s second in command, on his knees, naked and hard, sucking him off like his life depended on it. The sight drove him wild. He dove his fingers into the officer’s tousled hair and thrust his hips as he gasped. “Oh smeg, Frank. That feels smegging incredible.”

“ _You_ feel incredible, Dave.” Todhunter gazed up at Lister, his face flushed, and his eyes bright. He slipped his long fingers around Lister’s prick and began to pump him eagerly, his lips and tongue still caressing the technician’s swollen head.

“Oh smegging hell, Frank.” Lister groaned as warm waves of heat flashed through him. “I want you. I want you so smegging bad.”

Todhunter pulled off of Lister with a gasp, his mouth glistening. “Why don’t you take me then?” He looked up at Lister with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

Lister’s eyebrows raised in surprise, and then he answered with a grin. “Where’s the bed?” Todhunter stood, wrapped his fist around Lister’s cock, and pulled him through a darkened doorway.

The officer’s quarters were positively sumptuous compared to Lister’s own bunk, but he hardly noticed since Todhunter continued to stroke him as he guided him to a queen-sized bed. “I want you to suck me some more first,” he breathed as he pulled his shirt off. He pushed Todhunter down onto the bed and the officer leaned forward, eagerly sucking Lister in. The technician threw his head back in ecstasy. “Smegging hell.” He tipped his head forward and watched hypnotized as Todhunter began fisting his own erection as he fellated Lister. His head began to swim as he cried out, “Now, Frank. I need you now.”

Todhunter let Lister’s erection slide from his lips and quickly pulled a bottle of lube from a nearby drawer. He drizzled it into the palm of his hand before slicking it up and down Lister’s full length. “Oh, smeg.” Lister groaned as Todhunter’s strong fingers surrounded him. He kicked off his trousers and boots and kissed Todhunter greedily before murmuring, “Turn around.” Todhunter moaned and crawled onto the bed while Lister followed behind him, kissing a line down the officer’s back. “You want me Frank?” He gripped onto Todhunter’s hips and rubbed the tip of his cock against his opening.

Todhunter gasped at the feel of Lister pressing hard and hot against him. “Yes, Dave. Oh smegging, god yes. Fuck me. Fuck me, please.” Lister pushed forward gently, sinking himself slowly into Todhunter. His vision went spotty as the officer squeezed and clenched down on him. “Oh god, Dave…” Todhunter gasped and bucked his hips backwards, pushing Lister in deeper. Gradually they built up to a gentle rhythm, Lister gliding in and out, his pelvis slapping against Todhunter’s tight backside. The room seemed to disappear around Lister as his world became nothing but sensations and sounds; the feel of Todhunter clamping down on him, and their harmonious moans of ecstasy. His fingers dug into the officer’s skin as he pounded into him harder, and harder. “Dave… oh god… Dave!” Todhunter’s breath quickened as his orgasm began to build.

“You feel so damn good, Frank. So damn… smegging… good.” Sweat began to spill down Lister’s temples as he slammed into Todhunter faster. Suddenly the officer grimaced, snapping his head back as he arched his spine and came hard. Lister gripped onto Todhunter as his own orgasm began to crash through him. There was a flash of heat and a burst of exquisite pleasure in his loins as he cried out. He pressed his forehead into the curve of Todhunter’s back as he spasmed, spilling his load into the officer.

After a few moments of gasping and groaning, Lister wrapped his arms around Todhunter’s middle and pulled him gently down to the bed alongside of him. “Oh man, Frank.” He murmured into the officer’s ear as he nuzzled at his neck. “That was in-smegging-credible.” He shivered with pleasure as he could still feel the warm heat of Todhunter surrounding his softening cock.

“Mmph,” Todhunter moaned.

“You alright?” Lister asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Never better,” the officer moaned as he turned onto his back, letting Lister slip out of him. “I may have some trouble sitting for long periods at my desk come Monday, but it’s a small price to pay.”

“That’s good, I was a bit worried. I can get carried away sometimes.”

“You can get carried away with me, whenever and wherever you like, as far as I’m concerned.”

Lister laughed and cuddled into the crook of Todhunter’s shoulder, “Is that a promise?”

“Indeed it is. As long as you had a good time as well that is. This was all a bit sudden, and we’d both had a little bit to drink. I just want you to know that if this was just a one-time thing for you, it’s all right. I won’t deny that I’d be a bit disappointed, but...”

Lister shushed the officer with a kiss. He let his hands roam over Todhunter’s smooth skin as they entwined their limbs. As the big officer’s body surrounded him, he was surprised by how blissfully safe and comfortable he felt. He paused and rested his forehead against Todhunter’s. “I know this night has been a bit crazy, but I had lots of fun. And I really do like you, Frank. I mean that. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m liking this.” He pulled the officer closer, and kissed him again. “I’m liking this a lot. So let’s not over-think things, yeah?”

“Certainly,” Todhunter mumbled into Lister’s lips. “Would it be over-thinking things if I asked you to join me in a shower?”

“I’d love a shower. How’s the hot water here?”

“Fantastic.”

“Good, because I plan on being in there a good long while,” he grabbed the bottle of lube from the bed, tossed it into the air and caught it with a grin.

Todhunter smiled and shook his head as he stood and pulled Lister to his feet. “You truly are going to be the death of me Dave Lister, I just know it.”

“Can I ask you something, Frank?” Lister asked as they walked to the bathroom.

“Certainly.”

“Did you really tell Petrovich that I was a delicious chocolate truffle?”

* * *

 “Where the smeg have you been? You don’t come home for two nights, and now you’re late for your first shift?”

“Sorry, man.”

Rimmer shook his head and angrily stabbed at his clipboard with his index finger. “Oh you’re going to be sorry miladdo, sorry as smeg when I turn in this report. Absent without leave, refusing to alert your superior of your whereabouts, reporting late for shifts…”

“Look, Rimmer. I said I was sorry all right? Can’t we just get to work?” Lister yawned as he leaned against the tools trolley.

“It’s that damned Kochanski again isn’t it? You’ve gone crawling back to her haven’t you? Oh it disgusts me Lister, haven’t you got any self-respect? Any decency?”

“I was not with Kochanski, Rimmer. Ok?”

“A likely story. I can see it as plain as the nose on your face, Lister. The rosy cheeks, that simpering smile. You’re a lovestruck fool, it’s positively despicable.” Rimmer crossed his arms over his chest as he glared down at Lister.

“I was not with Kochanski!”

“Don’t try and hide anything from me Lister, I can read you like an open book, you’re completely transparent. You wear your emotions on your sleeve!”

“All right. All right, Rimmer. You want to know where I was?” Lister leaned into the tools trolley, his expression animated. “Saturday night I had a drink with Todhunter. After that I sucked him off in the lift, then we went back to his place on A-Deck and I shagged the smeg out of him. After that, I let him shag me. Then we spent the whole night cuddling, then the next day we alternated between shagging and watching zero-gee. Then this morning after another shag, he made me French toast.” Lister lit up a cigarette as he watched Rimmer’s face shift gradually from pink to crimson.

“What an absolutely splendid coincidence, Lister.” Rimmer’s voice dripped heavily with sarcasm. “Just as you happened to engage in a series of lusty romance novel adventures with the ship’s second in command, I just so happened to start a torrid affair with Captain Hollister.”

“Oh, yeah?” Lister raised his eyebrows in mock amazement.

“That’s right, Listy. He kept me up all night giving me the old ramrod with his Captain’s todger, and having me eat iced doughnuts off his chest,” Rimmer scoffed as he shook his head. “Honestly Lister you’re the worst liar since that man who tried to convince everyone that wearing low-rise jeans was a good idea. Why can’t you just admit...” Rimmer was interrupted by the sound of a nearby lift opening. A smug smirk spread over Lister’s face as Todhunter stepped out.

“Sir!” Rimmer barked out as he snapped into an impressive salute. “I’m glad you’ve turned up, because you won’t believe the report I’m about to read you.”

“Not right now please, Rimmer. I just came to see Lister.”

“You what?”

“You left this behind.” He passed Lister his black jacket. “I thought you might need it. Some of the lower decks can get a bit nippy.” He gave Lister a small smile.

“Cheers, darling.” Lister blew him a kiss and licked his lips suggestively. Todhunter tried to hide the massive grin that spread across his face as he turned and walked back through the lift doors.

Lister turned to look at Rimmer as he fished around in his pocket for a cigarette. The second technician stood slumped against the corridor wall, his jaw slack, his complexion grey.

“So,” Lister muttered, his eyes gleaming as he lit his cigarette and blew out a slim stream of smoke. “Think you and Hollister would be up for a double-date?”


End file.
